Manliness And Other Matters
by JilyEvotter19
Summary: James and Sirius have a conversation about the former's manliness and other matters. All dialogue.


**Author's Note:** Just wanted to make it clear that the whole 'Merlin's purple-flowered socks' reference thingy was my cousin **iheartsiriusblack**'s creativity. You should go check out her stories, guys!

* * *

"Hey, Padfoot."

"Hey, Prongs."

"What're you doing?"

"What does it _look_ like I'm doing?"_  
_

"Stop being so snappy. I just got a load of snappiness from Evans."

"Don't worry, mate. 'Spect it's all the tension she's venting out. She's probably playing hard to get ..."

"I hope so."

"You sound worried."

"Well done, mate."

"What did she say to you?"

"She - she - I can't say it."

"Go on, Prongsie! Please please please please please!"

"Stop whining, you dog."

"Hey, you antlered, prancing pony -"

"OK, OK, I'll tell you what Evans said. She ..."

"Y-e-s?"

"She insulted my manliness."

"_WHAT?_"

"Stop laughing, you're spitting on me!"

"Haha! She insulted your _manliness!_"

"For the last time, stop laughing! You're _choking_ with laughter!"

"Merlin, your woman is hilarious, Prongs!"

"If you don't stop laughing, I'm going to tell everyone that you once wrote a sappy love poem for McKinnon!"

"Don't you dare -"

"Stop laughing at my expense then!"

"All right, all right ... what did Evans actually _say_ about your manliness?"

"She said there's a lack of it."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. She also said that I'm a disgrace to men everywhere!"

"And I suppose this was all the result of you asking her out, right?"

"Well, what's a bloke supposed to do? There she was, walking in the grounds, with that awful bookish friend of hers - what's her name - Mary - and that Frank-fawning girl Alice and McKinnon ... and I couldn't help myself! I just asked her out!"

"Well, better luck next time, mate."

"And she said, and I quote, 'Potter, you're a disgrace to men everywhere. Your cheesy pick-up lines and your so-called romantic ways of asking me out are STUPID!'"

"You're doing it again, Prongs."

"Huh? What?"

"You're getting that look on your face, that look you get whenever you're rambling on about Evans. That dreamy, in-love look."

"So?"

"So maybe Evans is right. That dreamy look is _definitely_ an insult to men everywhere."

"Don't you start questioning my manliness too!"

"Hey, hey, calm down! You see, Prongsie-pie, m'boy, it's clear. You need lessons in manliness. From the expert."

"Says the guy who took to sprouting Muggle verses at McKinnon when she starting dating Diggory."

"Hey, no digs at my manliness!"

"Or lack of it."

"Yes, or la- no, what am I saying? Stop trying to mislead me, you old sinner."

"Sinner? Haha!"

"Quit nitpicking and straying away from the topic!"

"You sound like Remus."

...

"Merlin's poodle's poop, don't punch me!"

"I, the magnificent mutt Sirius Black, proud Gryffindor - and hence sword-wielder - and hard-core rebel, will not be compared to a nerd!"

"Did you just call yourself a mutt? _And did you just squeal like a girl?_"

"A mutt, my boy, is manlier than a _stag_. And I didn't squeal like a _girl_ - it was a very manly squeal. Deep and manly. Unlike your girly squeals."

"As much as I would like to kill you now for pissing me off about my manliness, I want you to be alive enough to hear the rest of my tragic, woe-ridden tale of a damsel in denial who refuses to acknowledge her deep love for a worthy lad, who ventures out far and wide over mountains and deserts and seas and cheesy pick-up lines in a valiant effort to win her heart -"

"Eh? Who are you and what have you done with James Potter?"

"Sheesh, Padfoot, you could at least have congratulated me for sounding so classic-fairytale-ish under Evans's spell."

"Spell? What spell? Oh, you mean the hexes she throws at you?"

"Ah, you're hopeless. This conversation's dragging along, really. What were we talking about in the first place, anyway?"

"Your lack of manliness."

"Correction, my manliness. Not lack of it. My manliness has no ends. My manliness is very manly."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Coming from the guy who stuttered at McKinnon meaninglessly after she snogged Diggory in the Great Hall at breakfast ..."

"Why in the name of Merlin's purple-flowered socks do you somehow twist everything I say into a narration of some embarrassing incident of my love life concerning McKinnon?"

"I was born with it, mate. And while we're on the subject, enlighten me. What's this about Merlin's purple-flowered socks?"

"Why, don't you know, Prongsie-poo? Merlin owns a pair of purple-flowered socks and versions of it in all the rainbow colours, along with matching jammies!"

"Jammies? Are you four years old or what?"

"Live a little, Prongsie, live a little. Who cares if I call pyjamas jammies?"

"Imagine what Evans would say if I began calling pyjamas jammies ..."

"Well, mate, unlike you, my life isn't ruled by Evans's satin-like, silky hand."

"Did you just say Evans's hand is satin-like and silky? Merlin, that's my territory! I'm supposed to say that!"

"Er - let's go back to the topic, shall we? Yeah, what were we discussing, Prongs?"

"My manliness."

"You mean the la-"

"Don't say _lack of it!"_

"Or what?"

"Or I'll set Evans onto you!"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah! And I'm guessing you aren't unfamiliar with her jinxes, right?"

"Evans is not your pet dog that you can set her on me, my dear child. See some sense, Prongs. That witch will drive you to your doom someday."

"Ah, Padfoot, so you don't know our future! Imagine this: lots of little green-eyed, raven-haired kids - or maybe hazel-eyed, red-haired kids - all sitting around beautiful, pretty, charming Mama Potter and listening to her relate the story of how the gallant Papa Potter won her heart!"

"Papa Potter? Seriously?"

"If you think that's funny, how about this ... Uncle Sivius! Or Uncle Wemus! Or Uncle Eeta!"

"Sivius? Wemus? Eeta? Shouldn't it be Sirius and Remus and Peter?"

"Well, you idiot, the babies are going to lisp, aren't they?"

"Do babies lisp?"

"You're hopeless, mate. Totally hopeless ... Ah, here comes Evans! Excuse me, Padfoot, I gotta go! See you later ... Hi, Evans! Fancy going to Hogsmeade with me?"

"No, Potter! _DENSAUGEO_!"

"Ah, there's McKinnon with Evans! Hi, McKinnon! How does a nice trip to the broom closet sound, eh?"

"For the love of Merlin, SHUT UP, BLACK! _FURNUNCULUS_!"

* * *

_Later in the hospital wing_

"Well, Prongs, all I can say is ... those two sure know how to cast some mean hexes."

"I still haven't given up hope, though. Evans _will_ come around some day, mark my words."

"You're a lost case, Prongs, and that you may tie to."

"You've got a point, mate."


End file.
